April is tough, because it's the month of your birthday, and the month we lost you. But April is also great.
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Hi Archie,
I sometimes do this thing where I write an email to your grandma, with all of the things I would tell her if she were here. But today I decided to write an email to Future You.
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In that moment, I realized that even if I did have a right to be sad, I didn’t have a right to let the sadness overtake me or, just as importantly, the people around me.
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Today is Grandma’s birthday. I still have the reminder set up in my calendar, but I don’t need it. October 8 has always been top of mind, since I was a kid. Even last weekend, as I passed the greeting card aisle at the grocery store, I felt compelled to stop, before remembering I didn’t need to anymore.
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“Would you like to have lunch this Friday at the Market?”
Out of context, this seems like a perfectly ordinary question from my husband. So why did it first hit me with a brief pang of dread?
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It’s true, we’ve found somewhere new. We bought a house not too far from here. We’re so excited to have a place to call our own and to start building a new home for our family. But before we go, we want you to know something.
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Even when I look at Archie and my heart fills up with more joy than I can imagine, there’s a little gap where the thrill of sharing him with you would go. I have moments where I almost can’t believe Archie is real, because I can’t talk to you about him. It’s like he’s a Photoshop image set to 5% transparency and would only be fully rendered by knowing you, and vice versa.
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It’s going to be hard. We know that. The emotions naturally make you wonder if it’s too soon to be doing this, but the fact is, there will never be a time when we’d casually pack boxes, shed no tears and say to each other, “Well, that was easy.”
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On November 8, I’m going to vote for Hillary Clinton. And it’s going to break my heart.
No, I’m not in the “Bernie or Bust” camp. And it’s not because of any specific issues with Hillary herself. It’s because deep down, I know my mom would be crushed.
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Those words were echoing in my head today as hour by hour, the day unfolded with a series of “tilts,” as my mom used to call them. You think everything’s going smoothly, then… tilt. Too many tilts in a row and by dinnertime, you don’t know which way is up.
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Can you believe it’s been two years? Of course you can’t. You couldn’t believe any of this was happening to you in the first place.
That’s all I could think when everything finally stopped. I looked at your face, blank, and felt outrage on your behalf. She would be shocked to see herself like this.
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I decided to assemble this list of 40 pieces of advice that got me to today, in no particular order. Some of them are philosophical, some are practical--all are a reflection of the person giving them.
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